In terms of purpose and giftings, God has showed me clearly what I’m supposed to be doing in this season. [I won’t share yet until it’s done.]
But the crazy thing is, I’ve been wrestling more now with envy/insecurity and doubt than ever before.
If you know me, you know I generally lavish praise and encouragement to others. It’s almost as natural as breathing to me. I’m quick to hit you with a,
“Oooh, okay I see you!” or "yass girl you did that!” LOL
But when I see people coming in and operating in places I know God has called me to cultivate, I’ve noticed myself loathe to say anything. Almost as if by praising them, I’m admitting that they do it better, or that there will be no space for me to operate in that same gifting.
For instance, I rediscovered a passion for poetry as a means of healing around 2015 and in college had the opportunity to really grow in that gift.
But in THIS season of college, that gift had kinda been undercover. No one in this season really knows my background, so when a fellow leader started to share her poetry I legit felt threatened. [sis was FIRE tho 🤩]
But I felt as if she’d unknowingly taken my place. That if I were to start sharing my poetry, it’d now seem as though I was riding her wave. [Which of course is not true, but I digress]
Further, another young lady joined our ministry and started to share openly that she felt God telling her her journal will become a book. And everyone is lavishing praise on her, yet I can’t help but feel threatened once again. As though somehow, she will take my spot. That when I do publish, it will seem as though I’m riding her wave.
In this season more than ever man, I have been face to face with insecurity, jealousy, doubt, and rejection quite frequently.
If I’m being real, I feel very much in the background in this season. And the truth is…that is OKAY. [When I allow myself to reflect, there was a season not too long ago where I was in the forefront]
However, in this season, I think God is really pruning some things out of me. And if I’m being really real? It’s extremely uncomfortable.
I find myself having to fight the urge to assume that people purposely leave me out of social gatherings [rejection]. I have to remind myself that someone operating in the same gift does not mean there’s no more room for me [fear/insecurity]. Or that because someone is operating in the same area but better than me [i.e. singing] that doesn’t mean to give up cultivating it [discouragement/comparison].
God reminded me that yes, these feelings are valid and to acknowledge them, but my weapon is to apply the Blood, and apply His Word to these feelings.
And what does His Word say about me?
I am CHOSEN and APPOINTED BY GOD to produce lasting fruit
[John 15:16]
It is His good pleasure to give me the kingdom.
[Luke 12:32]
God is not withholding ANY good thing from me
[Psalm 84:11]
God has plans to prosper me not to harm me.
[Jeremiah 29:11]
If I humble myself before Him, HE will exalt me in due time.
[1 Peter 5:6]
My DNA is BLESSED
[Genesis 5:1-2]
My DNA is ROYALTY
[1 Peter 2:9]
My DNA is DOMINION
[Genesis 1:28]
There is space for me! There is room for me too! God is not a God of lack. He is a God of abundance. There is room for me AND sis to be successful. I don’t have to feel threatened or discouraged by others operating in the same gift. If He has assigned me a task, my job is to operate in it, focus on it, and STAY IN MY LANE. Looking to other people for accolades or approval will be my downfall if that is what I use to gauge my confidence.
I’m learning that in this season, God is pruning me, and thankfully He is doing it in PRIVATE. He put it to me like this:
Don’t get discouraged now that you are not at the forefront in this season. Your confidence comes from me.
Do not feel threatened because others are being praised/encouraged right now..
What have I said? Remember what I say about you.
You are in the background being pruned, you are hidden because you are being prepared. You're in the dressing room right now. I am protecting you from those who would wish ill on you. If you are exposed too soon, it could destroy the delicate new growth, new little shoots.
Allow me to hide you, guard you here until you are ready.
-Abba
When I looked to His Word for encouragement I expected verses on boldness and confidence, but instead He led me to 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 [NLT]
1When I first came to you, dear brothers and sisters, I didn’t use lofty words and impressive wisdom to tell you God’s secret plan.
2For I decided that while I was with you, I would forget everything except Jesus Christ, the one who was crucified.
I came to you in weakness- timid and trembling. And my message and my preaching were very plain. Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit.
5I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God.
Like bro…impressing people with my words, having clever and persuasive speech/wisdom is not the move. The most important thing is JESUS. That was humbling. Because needless to say, my extemporaneous answers in LifeGroup are rarely met with "oooos" and "ahhs".. so I thought, hmmm I must be doing something wrong. But that is not the goal. The goal is not that people are impressed with me, it’s that they see Jesus.
So yea, that is where I am right now.
Hope this encourages someones! 😘