Journey to Eden

1/18/15

the knowledge of good and evil is
what killed their innocence
she felt the fall as soon as
they reached the climax

January 2015

Lord,
I have nothing left.
give me your grace and
favor and mercy

January 10, 2010

let's say you get kicked
out & have student loans?
then you're in the majority
of college students.

2/6/15 to Eden.

i am on the road home to tell your granddad the news. a bit unsettled but mostly peaceful. it is sunny and pleasant and all i can think about is how much i already love you. i want to protect you from all hurt and negativity but i know he will probably not take it well that his baby is having a baby by a man who does not love her or his own creation. just know that these are not your feelings to feel. do not internalize the guilt and shame. my beloved, you are not a mistake, and you have not ruined my life. in fact, you are the greatest gift i have been privileged to receive.

​

mommy loves you. you are a joy and a delight in my eyes. mommy loves you more than you will ever know. i would like to be perfect for you. but know that i will love you the best way i know how. i want you to have everything but you will be born into a very scarred and dysfunctional world. we are all broken and seeking healing. i will not be able to protect you from everything as much as i would like to because the reality is we have inherited a world of pain. it is how we heal here. just remember that it is all for your good.

​

mommy will take care of you, because God is taking care of mommy. and God loves us both more than we can ever experience in these feeble bodies. be at peace my darling, i can't wait to meet you!

​

​

2/6/15 Dear Eden,

it pains me to tell you that you may not grow up with a biological father to nurture and cherish you. you may look at other children and wonder why it is that you do not have what they have. but know this one thing: don't ever for one second think that this is a reflection of you. that you as precious as you are, are not valuable enough to deserve to be cherished.

darling, humans are complex. do not think you have done something wrong by existing. don't make the mistake of feeling that it is your fault. i will love you fervently, but even in this do not make the mistake in thinking your value comes from how much i love you. i will love you no matter what you do. understand this: it is not about earning or deserving love. you are valuable because you are love. nothing outside of you can determine your worth.

​

do not see anyone else's inner resentment as having anything to do with you. you do not dictate what a man must decide for himself. a man must decide in himself to love and nothing you can do will bring that about. know that it is not your responsibility to make others love you or see your worth. whatever they feel is a reflection of themselves. remember darling, you can not put out hate with more hate, but you must shine your light on it and expose it for what it is: a fallacy.

​

you are love and a child of light. Eden, you are love and a child of light. hatred and darkness cannot exist where you are.

 2/6/15 [raw journaling]

you are about to turn 21,
you are about to have a baby,
you are about to disenroll from ROTC
with no money and no plan,
you are turning from everything
you once knew and it is tantalizing,
the audacity to "screw your life up"
so badly b/c yet, you feel that God
has a plan for you. nothing makes sense,
i don't know much of anything these
days and perhaps i never did. but it's
an ever present calm as i almost
delightfully watch my life as i know
it crumble before my very eyes.
the promise of newness. the destruction
of the old to make room for the
resurrection. He says behold do not
fear for i am making all things new,
just trust the process,
God can turn anything around for
good

 2/6/15 [after a convo w/ Eden's dad]

how does that feel. swallow that

and let it digest. i told him i am open

to talk and i am having this child,

he simply says, "congratulations."

​

i don't imagine how he has said it,

i just sink into myself and feel in it's 

fullness how i perceive it.

it is dismissive, and quite transparently

that hurts. but i am familiar with

that place. i often operate from

there. detached, avoidant, dismissive.

​

maybe in the past i would have

just said w/e and repressed it completely, but no. i acknowledge that i am frustrated, yet i choose not to internalize that. i will allow myself to feel and cry if i need to b/c pretending to not feel is not strength. 

​

i cannot make you answer a call. i cannot make you talk if you have not decided to do so. i am not always ready to talk so i really understand.

i remind myself that i am not responsible for how you are experiencing. that you are a reflection of your own feelings. we are all broken and in need of healing and i cannot force you to be open.

​

i remind myself that that is not mine to feel. i choose love and compassion. so even in your absence i will not try to understand you, only you know what you are thinking and feeling and it is not up to me to coerce compassion. you have to have the right to feel what you feel. but i will transmute my frustration into love that i will send forth to you. whether you receive it or not, it is there.

2/7/15

my dad took it way better than I thought he would. he actually laughed until I also disclosed that I fxcked up w/ ROTC as well. so since everything was tense, I decided to share everything. the drugs and alcohol freshman year; sophomore year the smoking then God's intervention; then the falloff in the summer and my relapse in the fall. so they know everything and it feels so much better to not have to lie. though I really hate that I made my mom cry and I know I hurt my dad. I feel like the prodigal son who was given everything and squandered it. i don't even know how the world works man. like I'm going off of this empty logic that I can basically do w/e I want w/ no consequences and keep God's blessing.

2/7/15 [considering adoption]

man, you just don't know. i want you to have everything. I want to be there for every single moment of your life and oh God that's the single most painful thing to realize: I can't do that for you now. i am young and naive, wishing to sustain you on love. but that may not be enough.

i will not be stable enough to provide for you the way i really want to when you get here and i swear that kills me. if it were up to me, i'd be a stay at home mom, nurturing you, showering you with attention and devotion, teaching everything the schools will try to wean you from.

​

i hate to say the words, "give you up, for adoption." i hate how those syllables clang against my heart like hollow points. i want to be able to give you all of me. and not having you in my arms as i sleep feels so empty. yet, i want you to have all the opportunities i had growing up in a stable environment. i suppose i have to think of what's best for you and for me.

​

but oh dear God, if there were another way. mommy loves you darling. mommy loves you, know that. i don't want to rob you of what i got to experience. i hope that i will be able to visit you. and if i can, i will have you as much as i can and you will be extra special b/c you will have 3 parents! :)

​

you'll probably call me auntie. you will call me your Godmom, your mommy #2. baby, just know that even if i cannot care for you, i will always be there for you.

2/7/15 [raw journaling]

Lord, you chasten me and I thank You
for Your discipline. You do not let me rest
in my folly and i am grateful that
You have not let me go on sinning. because
you discipline me i know you love me
and want what's best for me.
please do not turn your hand or head
away from me. allow me to be a vessel
for your life God. i could not bear being
separated from your loving kindness and
mercy. my pride and my flesh will surely
be the death of me lest you consecrate my
soul and speak Your word of law into my
heart. i shall meditate on Your words and
Your promises shall sustain me. for i am
at the end of myself and i have nothing
left. but i will be grateful that You have
humbled me.

2/26/15

so, i've been disenrolled [from ROTC], popped hot like i thought

​

[referring to the drug test we finally had]

March 2015

it's been a while since i've written you.
morning sickness...sucksss. but i'm really trying to eat as best as i can for you.
it dawned on me that i really want
the best for you so that means i have to be
there for myself. mommy has been really
down lately but i want to be happy for you
because i like for you to feel my smiles :)
i love you boooo. and that means i don't
want to expose you to anything poison, be
it sugar, drugs, junk, or toxic relationships.
only the best for mommy's best. i'm a little
scared at the thought of bringing you here yet
i really can't wait to meet you. i'm still really
small but i know you're growing and i 
imagine how beautiful you already are.
:):)

depression

i am running by staying still
comatose,
paralyzed by sleep,
but that's when she feels most alive
why is it that she sees the most 
with closed eyes

What are the cracks in your concrete? [poem prompt]

Eden,

my incompletion will be the

death of "we" potentially

i am seismic darling.

an escape artist,

forever restless,

it seems i am only content

in chaos

the epitome of instability.

I pray everyday 

that i don't kill you before you even get here,

because see, my first love was a drug,

who always smelled of

herbal essences.

​

one day i have it all together,

and the next i have nothing.

darling i just want to be everything

you need me to be maternally

but it hurts to conceive

that you will come to resent me.

​

i cannot sustain you on my dreams and wishes

because i already love you

with a tenacity beyond comprehension

yet even the road to hell is paved with good intentions

i fear that as much as i love you

you will grow to hate me,

that i cannot be the rock that my

mom was for me,

a stable place committed to peace

i seem to fear the monotony of security,

when things are smooth, 

my soul rocks the boat

i only hope that i can be your rock,

but i am more like cracked concrete

April 1st, 2015

my darling, precious blessing baby,

     I saw you for the first time today!!!! oh how my heart swelled and words simply cannot articulate my joy and awe. But you. darling you were the star of the show. my blessing baby, I cried as I witnessed you dance within me (though you're too small for me to even feel it.)

​

wow. you are a dancer, and mommy is sooo proud of you. you are about 14 weeks old and your little heart is beating at about 149 pm. but my! how surprised I was to see just how active you are in there. I hope I am making things as comfortable for you as possible in there. Are you getting enough food?? haha, but little one it was humbling, breathtaking to see you and know that you are real. I told someone this past weekend that it amazes me, astounds me how much love I feel for you though I'd ever seen you and it reminded me of the love of Jesus. how I've never seen Him in the physical yet His love for me, for us, is so undeniably evident. 

​

Don't worry little one. Our Heavenly Father is all knowing and all powerful and He knows the plans He has for us. I'm so grateful that I get to be your mommy and always know that I want you here. I want you here, with me and no place else. I dreamt of you twice after the first time and you were ethereal in your beauty; I saw you clothed, or moreso surrounded by white light or more appropriately an AURA emanating from you and you had eyes like I had never seen before. you had eyes of diamond. a crystal-esque quality. The next dream I saw you, I had you fiercely on my hip and you never left my side and I showered you with affection, kisses on your precious baby lips. we stood on the hill at my grandmother's house watching the sun. dogs came and I ran with you toward the house but oddly I also saw a white tiger walk past. 

​

All I know is, you are my child and I will care for you to the best of my ability. I know that with God all things are possible. It may get rough, and we may not have riches of the world. But we will have love and that is the only wealth I desire. Until the next time I see you, I will be praying earnestly for your health and strength. Our next date is in about 6 weeks!

Stay strong little one, I love you!!!

​

             -mommy

April 7

hi darling!! I looooove yoouu :):D
I feel like I've been seeing so many pregnant ladies and babies and it makes me so much more excited to see you!! my lil lemonhead, I'm daily praying for your protection, and for wisdom and guidance because I really want the best for you. I pray earnestly for discernment and for God to make my(our) path straight and order my steps. Baby I love your little toes and your wittle alien body, everything you are is absolutely adorable to me. you are perfect

note to self

let it
go,
release
what's 
not 
yours
gracefully

April 2015

and when she arrives,

doe eyed,

it will be self evident

that she truly has

come from a place of pleasure

my baby,

Eden

she is precious.

i cannot fathom the thought of 

giving her anything less than

all that I am

she will know that she is loved

to the depths of the Earth

around to the smallest microcosm

​

she exists in all that is

beauty

striking fervently, in a distance

that is too close to miss

she is air, all encompassing

the reason, that i breathe in, these lungs

is no longer to supply for me,

but to meet her with every need

graciously

she will know no want

for even in destitution,

we will have all the riches in the world

because she will know she is loved

the light in her will banish 

every shadow of doubt,

she is love.

​

i will wonder how I have ever 

not known the meaning of life

when i see it staring at me through pearly eyes.

love.

I have loved her always.

before she was formed, I knew her

I saw her in my sleep

and I knew she was mine.

I held her in my dreams

and she knew my arms were home

my temple was her sanctuary.

every ounce of me,

enveloped her in warmth and anticipation

as she patiently slept in the garden

yet unadulterated by the fall.

​

my beloved.

i will teach her to walk in creativity

and to question everything

as I learn to love myself,

i will show her compassion.

i will know that my life is not my own

but a loving sacrifice

to serve and protect her.

i will share with her my fears

and the anchor of hope

so that she will not live in resentment

of her hummanness

​

of all of my art,

of all of my creations,

she will reign as the most precious,

the most royal of my legacy.

​

June 2

Eden!!

​

so, I had begun to really question whether I really was sure I want to name you that because in all honesty I'd never heard any child with that name. until recently..2 kids, a pastor and a poet

but I saw a baby name book in the library and when I randomly flipped it open, the first name I saw was Zenzi which means Spring. and the second name I saw was Eden. ha! so that kinda confirmed it in my spirit.

​

I will admit I've been anxious lately. God has given me so much joy/peace during this time but even still I always worry about your health and safety because honestly SO MUCH is out of my control. a dream I had recently really shook me up. I was driving and at the red light I saw a car wreck on my right yet in front of me before my very eyes an 18 wheeler was screeching to a stop; but the back had so much momentum that it was veering directly toward me from the left...and as I watched it unfold, it seemed to be in slow motion b/c I was quite sure I was going to die. so sure, that I was completely calm. I knew I couldn't veer right because of the wreck to the right and there were cars behind me so in those moments all I could think was, God please protect this baby.

woke up and I'm in the hospital having an emergency surgery where they have removed you from my womb and I see you laying in a little pan they would place organs in...you're about as developed as you should be @ 6 months...still frail w/ delicate skin. I'm not sure what happened to you except that when I left I was no longer pregnant... and even from within the dream it was the most empty, crushing, depressing thing I've ever felt. to suddenly not feel the kicks and flutters I'd become so accustomed to.

I remember thinking, she's not full term...she can't survive out of the womb

June 2015

elloooo baby cakes haha. get it...cuz you're my baby and you're also the little bun in my figurative oven...no? lol...kay.

​

well, with everything going on @ once, mommy was paralyzed with the fear of making the wrong choice...so characteristically, I did...nothing. I was so overwhelmed w/ thoughts of "how am I going to afford rent w/ no job?? how could I even get to work when the truck is yet again needing something replaced? should I even risk driving considering that horrid dream I had of losing you??" AND I STILL don't know who to choose for prenatal care!! I wanted fervently to go the midwife route, but the only midwife close is all the way in Franklin, which wouldn't even matter considering the ONLY midwife was gonna be out all of June... *exasperated sigh*

​

but thankfully Mama Jan, your grandmother in Christ came over and helped me see I was simply overwhelmed. I'd venture to say my hormones didn't make it any better.

​

#1. God has already provided. my lease is up Aug 3 which means I only need enough for July.

which I already have more than enough to cover in my savings...NOT TO MENTION, I've been paying a little extra each month so I even have a credit toward rent. (aka, Somalia, why you trippin???)

​

Second. I'm stressing about a job I really don't need, considering I have no way plus I'll be leaving in less than 2 months. I'd honestly rather focus my time volunteering at the daycare...

cuz ya girl need all the mommy training she can get haha. plus, idk, you really make me want to be around kids since I can't quite hold you yet. I loved volunteering in the nursery too...ahh, but take your time getting here! no rush lol

--- and I prayed to God for reconciliation w/ your father b/c I realized that's totally out of my power. but God is so awesome, He keeps turning me to passages of Ezra fasting for the safety of their little ones and how God moved the hearts of kings to help His people get what He'd promised them. I know that I can't make a person want to reconcile, but God most definitely can...and the Spirit so moved that I didn't want food yesterday...coincidentally, your father texted me out of the blue yesterday.  mind you darling, the last time we talked was January. it's June now. I was so flustered that I had to clean the house so I could have a clear mind plus Jan's words resonated. she'd advised me to focus on making my "nest" a comfortable place, and it really did make a difference.

​

Either way, I am waiting on God to work on my behalf b/c these circumstances are beyond me. Another acquaintance also texted me to see me before going back to his country, and God definitely has a sense of humor. If I want to reconcile w/ [your dad], I must be willing to reconcile w/ the acquaintance. And I caught myself in a state of only half forgiveness w/ a side of unwillingness to talk at all despite him still wanting to be friends. now how can I expect from Ant what I'm not willing to give to the other person?? BOOM. God teaching in action. so I ask God to help me humble myself and be sincere and open.

​

P.S. finally made an appt w/ an OB that's within walking distance!! let's make sure you're healthy boo...and forgive me for taking so long :P

June 8th, 2015

I am an orb absorbing complexities
suspended in the interim
watching the clock, it seems systematic
rotating cyclic seasons
I grow under pressure,
tumultuous, weather
or not I planet
I am a world unfolding
in my Father's hands

June 12th, 2015

I am so grateful for you, to have the privilege to be your hostess. I pray for your protection and that you can feel my love for you. Perhaps it's pregnancy hormones, but I worry a lot now that God may take you back to Himself soon...every dream I've had where I've lost you at 6 months is so bone-crushingly devastating for me to even think about. Yet, I know your Father, our Father in heaven is all-wise and all-powerful and He loves infinitely more than I ever could imagine. So I try to be trusting and rest in the fact that whatever our story is, will be for God's glory. My little one, I love you so dearly, I adore your little kicks and punches because I imagine that we are already bonding. It's always a fresh surprise to FEEL you moving because I know at any moment I could lose you; so every moment I spend with you is priceless to me.

​

     Your grandma is also warming up to you little one :) :) that warms my heart so much that I can only feebly express it. it's exhilarating to experience how God is moving in her to see you and know you as a completely planned, deliberate, brilliant idea of God. He has brought you here on purpose darling, you are a masterpiece in process. and no matter what happens, you will know me and I will be your mother, and we will meet in heaven even if I never see you here.

​

     Honestly, as painful as it is simply to imagine losing you, it makes me realize the immense magnitude of God's love for me. I feel I would risk my own life if it meant that you got to live, yet God allowed His little boy, His precious child, to be treated worse than a slave being whipped. He watched, He witnessed His baby getting beaten and spat upon and becoming filth, all for the sake of me. Eden, I am not sure that I am capable of love like that; not to sacrifice my own life for those I love, but to sacrifice your life for the sake of my family. to sacrifice the life of my little replica, that I felt grow inside of me, whom I was completely united with as one body. you are bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. but I suppose the true power of love is not the ability to grip and own and control, but the courage to face the choice to let go, to hurt, to feel pain

​

Psalm 22:9-10

     ...yet You brought me safely from my mother's womb and led me to trust you at my mother's breast. I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born.

​

Psalm 139: 13-17

     You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!

​

My Baby's Daddy

I stood in the audience and humbly witnessed

a most genuine, candid display of

Fatherly Love on Redemption's stage

the children lined up with their daddies

fiercely behind them, publicly proclaiming their faith,

only moments later to be baptized.

but one scene in particular caught my eye,

Black Father beaming behind his curly haired creation,

he hugged his daughter like she was the moon in the sky

and he the tides,

reaching forth with a force strong enough to capsize the city

the thought briefly fluttered through my mind

as my heart sank with the weight of a thousand bricks

my precious blessing baby may never get to experience this,

truth is, her biological father wishes she didn't even exist.

​

and then, swift as a raging wind

with the authority of gravity, God said:

OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE, I AM EVERYTHING

THAT HE COULD NEVER BE

all of the love in a man is only there 

because I Myself created him.

I am the Father of time

I flung the stars into the sky

I command the seasons with the flick of my hand

​

this is the same hand that etched every crevice of your face,

and painstakingly designed you specifically for me.

I am your Father darling,

I have not left you and never will

How much of a blessing that your child

will experience me directly

a human is a mere reflection

of only a speck of a fraction

of all the Love that I am

for all the Love that I am

cannot be contained in mortal man's frail frame

pick up your heart child, you are my beloved

and I am the most high, Heavenly Father

rest assured that you and your child

are forever mine

​

Thank You!

If you've made it this far , you've finished reading an extremely personal excerpt of my life. Thank you for coming along the journey with me. I pray that it be a display of God's redemptive power and Love. Remember, no matter how far you go...God loves you and WANTS you. Return to God, only HE has the power to fix what is broken in you. Put your faith in His Son Jesus; that He died in your place for your sins and rose again. It's that simple.