5.18.2020
[actual excerpt from my journal]
Okay, so I've noticed I completely avoid the pain/discomfort of certain realities/news or history that pertain to black people because I've experienced that much of the audience that needs to know or is unaware either will not listen or will argue me down to deny/reject or minimize my experience.
So to avoid that altogether, there's a part of me that completely shuns/shuts down any news I see pertaining to injustice to people who look like me. It's like, if I don't allow myself an opportunity to fully feel/experience the sadness, grief, shock and disappointment then I won't have a need to express anything and get rejected. I've been the only black person in a room so many times and the overall attitude I get is dismissive when touching on subjects pertaining to people who look like me..
The crazy thing is...I can try to avoid it or suppress it..but deep down I still know..deep down my heart still aches..
What I don't want to do is desensitize myself in an attempt to protect/shield myself from feeling the further hurt of rejection/dismissal.
The thing is baby girl the emotions are still there..the realities are still there..to turn a blind eye to it is just as irresponsible as denying it.
Maybe, it's not even about getting "them" to listen, but obeying the Father's call to let myself feel and let the expressions flow.
I'm so leery of coming off as militant that I don't say anything. I've seen people's eyes gloss over. I've seen the sigh and eye roll when I mention certain things...it's like yall truly don't get it.
And worse, I've seen the extremes. The effect pain can have on those who aren't saved...all that grief turns into hate** and I don't want to be faintly associated with that.
BUT. Once again, it's more about being obedient to God. Only HE can change hearts.
So let me indulge my sorrow, and let it free..allow all that's been pent up in me to be released..because it's coming out regardless..whether I want it to or not.. whether willingly or in desperation.
God has given me a platform now that is safe...you can either choose to read or walk away. Either way man, it's something about Ahmaud that broke something in me...
I wasn't able to turn away as easily ...that grief got caught in my throat as I tried to sweep my emotions under my tongue.
My heart aches..my soul aches..I'm tired. I always want people to be comfortable..I want them to see me as open, loving, accepting..yet the irony is I make myself uncomfortable..I close down for their sake.
When is it ever appropriate to have the conversations...when is it ever effective?
idk..I just know that I can write. I have been called to write, and that's what I will do.