I chose to call this piece "parallels" because in spite of my feeling unheard and minimized by certain people groups, I noticed I do the same thing. I display that same apathy and unwillingness to be discomforted in hearing another person's experience.
In this instance, the person I tend to brush off is my own dad. He's a retired CSI officer and to say that he's witnessed grisly offenses against humanity is an understatement. However, instead of validating his experience and lending a listening ear, I often times get offended. I don't want to hear it because it's gut-wrenchingly sad, it's painful, and it's uncomfortable.
And then it dawned on me, this is the exact behavior I get upset with people for who brush off my experience as a Black person. In order to heal, it takes a two-way vulnerability. Not only do you have to be brave enough to share, but the listener has to be brave enough to make space for uncomfortable perspective shifts.
parallels
Every time my dad goes to share
trauma
I succinctly shut him down.
What if
I am curtailing his healing?
He has witnessed the aftermath
of a civilian war zone
Death and destruction
were his line of work
Bodies of babies chopped up
blood poured out like red Kool-aid
A toddler bruised from head to toe
Rocks embedded in her infantile skull
From being dragged across asphalt
These are just a few of the things he's seen
My God, My God...
He's seen things no one should ever see
He worked in CSI
but what I C is I
selfishly shut him down
and refuse to hear
what he has to say
because I don't want to feel that
I don't want to feel uncomfortable
I spurn sorrow
God forbid I shed a tear
But what do I do with sorrow??
I fear it will overtake me
and I've worked so hard to maintain peace
what if i'm inhibiting intimacy
because I turn a deaf ear when my dad
tries to bare his soul
I tell him.."yea, yall should get therapy
to unpack
cuz what you've seen is deadly
how are you still sane?"
and then I turn right around
and completely disengage
smile and nod, and barely listen to a word he has to say
I don't know how to bear his burdens
I operate from a place of on the surface
I would rather not get into the nitty gritty
of emotion
even when I clean the kitchen, I don't want to get
too deeply involved
I keep my gloves on and fling
my dirty dishes into a machine
so God, please tell me how to reconcile
how can I ever get close to anyone
if i'm not willing to feel uncomfortable?
Truth be told..I'm scared.
Feel it for what?
Even with my baby sometimes I feel myself
put space in between when she comes to me
frustrated
why can’t you just be okay??
I erect a wall, look at her objectively
and try to calm her without feeling what she is feeling
I don't want her emotion to touch mine
A certain level of self-preservation is paramount
you must be mindful and protect your peace
however, I may have gone so far as to police
the very people that need to be pulled in