I only allow a preview of negativity
...I say I'll get back to process it,
but I never do
grief at the tip of your tongue
right when I'm about to feel anything
I retract back instead and go numb
My heart hurts for Ahmaud
but experience has taught me
that no one is listening
If I speak, even in love...
I presume they will assume I'm militant
I've seen them.
The Black people so overwhelmed with
Heartbreak that it morphs into outrage
Spewing hate and resentment
from a truly broken place
I feel compassion for you but
I am scarred.
I mean I get it, I feel it too
I see the discrepancy.
When I contemplate explaining that
Black Lives Matter doesn't mean White ones don't
its just..the penalty for law enforcement
unduly taking our lives seems nonexistent
Understand, I love my White friends
but there is a part of me I swallow whole
when I want to explain what only pertains to me
Like...you won't take me serious
or maybe you'll dismiss me,
or say I'm too concerned with race
so I stay silent
Though it's churning deep inside of me
I've learned to repress any feeling
or sentiment that may ruffle feathers
But I am tired
My fragile bones exhausted from the
unconscious weight of carrying this existence
This Black experience
I shun parts of my culture publicly
so as to seem more dignified
I am afraid that if I say anything
pertaining to injustice
I will be lumped into the caricature of:
Afrocentric angry black girl
with her fist up.
I brush everything off
with the thought:
Well...this world is fallen and in sin
that's just how it is,
and how it will be
until we find this world redeemed
However true,
it's still an excuse
for me to circumvent my feelings
How can I have empathy,
if I never let myself feel anything
The truth is...
I don't know how to feel.
what do I do with the pain of
Recurring plight unresolved??
I don't know how to welcome
grief and sorrow in
so they come in through the back door
They are there,
however unaware I am