CRAZY TIMES we're in, right? Virtually overnight the world as we know it shut down within a matter of months!
Now mind you, this is also the year/semester I'm set to graduate. After dropping out in 2015 and coming back in 2018 to finally finish, this in my mind would be a MONUMENTAL milestone. To walk across that commencement stage [while Danny Gokey's song, "Comeback" played in the background] has been my daydream for MONTHSSSSS.
However, in lieu of the myriad social distancing measures to slow the spread of COVID-19 ...my dreams? Crushed. Hope? Shattered. Lol May 2020 commencement has been cancelled. BUT, you know what? ian eem trippin. [translation: I'm not even mad] I may not get to walk across the stage when I expected to, but I'm still graduating AND I have plenty of toilet paper. 😂😎
This global shutdown, or DIVINE rest (I like to call it) has brought a wealth of time to reflect. It's as though God sat the whole world down and forced us to realize we are not in control. And it seems obvious now that we as people (me specifically) struggle with that.
Everything that I planned from March onward has been disrupted. I had a job lined up with the 2020 Census and I was already stacking my imaginary bread (money) in my head. 🤑 (skrrt!...sis, you thought!) And I reasoned that when God gave me the word "Structure" for 2020, that it'd be the year I finally become structured, orderly....scheduled. The irony is that my current reality has felt the exact opposite of that ideal. That is to say, structure for me has not looked like what I thought it would.
I expected consistency in plans i.e. dependability when I set dates and times and to-do lists. In pursuing this ideal, what God has actually revealed to me is that I've made time an idol. I'm so focused on creating my schedule, that I don't rely solely on God when making plans. I'd gone so far as to calculate the hypothetical hours I'd need to work to thrive SIX MONTHS from now. In essence, I want to plan my life so perfectly that I don't have to depend on {read: walk with] God. Yes, of course I consider Him, but ultimately I plan according to external cues and schedules.
The irony to that though (as we see with COVID-19) is that external cues are unreliable. I wanted so badly for my life to follow an obvious order that I completely missed the fact that God IS my order. God Himself IS my structure. I need to look to God for my order and structure.
Hence, structure has played itself out to be more of a rhythm than a rigid concept. There is a certain measure of consistency and routine, however there is also spontaneity. Yes, I write out a tentative to-do list, but I also consult with God moment by moment. Oftentimes, when I rely on God to guide me, His to-do list goes counter to my logic!
So, ultimately, that means for me right now everyday may not look the same. I thought that order and structure meant plans, schedules, and predictability. I thought that even my Godtime had to look a certain way and I felt wildly uncomfortable when it deterred from the template. Fortunately, I' m starting to find freedom in that fluidity. Consistency is not synonymous with rigidity. No, I may not workout at the exact same time and day each week, but the constant is that I still aim to do it 3 times a week. No, my Godtime may not look exactly the same each day, the details may vary, but the constant is that its a daily thing.
The paradox is that while I feel like I'm floating by not having a rigid schedule in place, I'm actually the most secure resting in and relying on God. He IS the solid rock. He IS the constant. As I learn to be led completely by Him there comes a peace, an ease of operating even amidst not knowing what's coming next.
What a blessing that God has stripped me (US) of familiarity and external illusions of control! God has simultaneously exposed the things I rely on before Him, and He's made clear how unreliable they are. While daunting and unsettling at first, it's becoming more and more freeing to walk with my Dad in uncertainty. I don't have to know what the future holds, because I know the One who holds the future!